"What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?"

OK, here's a song you might remember with slight humour, or had managed to dispel to the nether regions of your mental library. The song in question, if you hadn't guessed from the one line given in the title of this blog entry, is "Feel It" by The Tamperer featuring Maya. Yes, that crowning piece of...ummm, shite, that topped the charts for a solitary week in 1998. I even bought this song as part of the music played for my dad's 50th birthday party.
I've got some issues with this song, most notably with the line "what's she going to look like with a chimney on her?" - my girlfriend asked about this today, and, indeed, what WOULD someone look like with a chimney on them? I mean, in the context of the song, putting a chimney on someone is meant as an act of revenge (I think) but think about the practicalities of this - the effort involved in transporting the chimney to the location where your potential victim is, not to mention buying the damn thing. I imagine purchasing a chimney is a tad more difficult than popping to the Co-op to get some milk. "Hello, I'd like to purchase a chimney please" you'd say to the hapless Saturday morning B & Q employee. "Ummmm, I'm afraid we're out of chimneys" he'd say back, if indeed they sell them at all. "I can order you one if you'd like?" The problem with ordering a chimney of course, is that it takes valuable time, and your victim may well have gone to work, or possibly emigrated, by the time the chimney arrives. "In that case, sir, may I suggest an alternative to a chimney for dumping on top of someone? Our doors are very sturdy, we have lots of doors in stock..." You can just imagine the Tamperer standing in his local B & Q, questioning whether 'door' would fit into the line. When it didn't, he obviously shouted "tish and fipsy!", knocked the B & Q employee to the floor and ran away, determined to finish his anthem for the late 1990s. Onto the issue of moving the damn thing, and you'd have to probably ensure the help of a friend with a transit van to move the chimney to said location, something the Tamperer obviously had when s/he conceived the song lyric. Finally, there's the problem of manouvering the victim into place to dump the chimney on them. This was possibly done via some similar method to that of Wile E. Coyote from the 'Roadrunner' cartoons - clambering onto a clifftop to lever the chimney onto the unsuspecting harlot (whoever she may be in the song). Of course, this sort of thing rarely worked in the cartoon, and so it must have been quite a slog to get the chimney on the person in the song. Maybe he didn't actually manage it, as of course, the immortal lyric is: "what's she going to look like with a chimney on her?" so perhaps he, like me, thought "bollocks to it, it's too much effort and I can't be arsed!"

In fact, I'm starting to think "I can't be arsed to carry on with this post" so...I'll be heading off, I think. Please feel free to post any comments on the philosophical nature of "Feel It" by Tamperer featuring Maya. Or what Maya is up to now. Or the fate of any female singer noted as 'featuring' on a pop record, as doubtless they are never heard of ever again (see Yazz and The Plastic Populations' 'The Only Way Is Up', Tara McDonald from Armand Van Helden's dance hit 'My My My' or that bird from Beats International) Or indeed, the identity of the Tamperer, if you know who they are, please get in touch. I'd love to meet you, and finally tell you that "buying this record did not make my life better" (Tamperer (in)famously released a record by the title 'Buying This Record Will Make Your Life Better', which for many people, it didn't).